Feeling Safe

I remember being a junior in high school when Columbine happened.  Prior to April 1999, I had never participated in a lockdown drill.  In fact, I had no idea what one was.  I had grown up with the obligatory earthquake and fire drills.  To the best of my memory, it was later that year or the next year (my senior year) that we had an intruder drill.  We had to shut the lights off, the teacher locked the classroom door, and we sat in silence of a few minutes.  That was it.  It didn't feel scary at the time.  I never imagined that I would now be the teacher who has to explain to my students why we have to practice hiding in the bathroom (I have a bathroom in my classroom) just in case someone with a gun comes to the school.  I think that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Seriously.  Explaining to a bunch of five and six year olds that we have to play the quiet game in a bathroom (do you know how many giggles being in the bathroom produces?) while I shut the lights off, drop the curtains, lock the door, and cover the windows and then join them is hard.  They may not be aware of what is happening in a state kitty corner from us, all the way across the nation.  Do they know what happened in Marysville, WA in October 2014? My students were one or two years old.  Probably not.  My students will never know a school career without lockdown drills.
I looked up the gun ownership laws in Washington because I was curious as to what was legal and illegal to own.  I discovered that a proposal that was [to be] reviewed in the 2017 legislative session regarding a ban on "semiautomatic weapons with military style features" and a maximum size of a magazine clip (to ten).  This proposal is still in the senate.  I hope it passes because it is a step in the right direction. Wait a minute. I just looked up the laws regarding firearm ownership so that I could know if it was legal to own an AR15 in my state. This is the gun that has been used in school shootings, such as the most recent one in Florida.  I am looking up firearm ownership laws to hopefully  correlate that likelihood of someone invading my school with this weapon!! This sounds ridiculous! I know that's not sound logic but I also didn't know that I would have to worry about protecting my students from an armed intruder.
So what now? First, I am going to teach.  I am going to go back into my classroom and make sure that each and every one of my students know that they are special and I love them.  I will continue to teach kindness, empathy, problem solving, and understanding differences.  Second, I am going to contact my representatives to let them know that gun control needs to be reformed.  SB5050 needs to pass. 
Do I feel safe at my school? Yes.  Do I want to believe that a shooting will never happen at my school? Yes.  Would I like to never have to do another lockdown drill again? Yes.  Is my awareness that I may be a little less safe at school heightened? Yes. Do I wish this never happened? Yes.  Is arming me the answer? NO. #never again.

I Wonder...

My last post was over a year ago but I'm feeling the need to get some of my thoughts onto paper so I can begin to sort them out.  What am I supposed to do when I am feeling so overwhelmed with the basics of teaching-like establishing a routine-that the thought of trying something new or integrating technology (one of my favorite things!) is too much.
I'm lost. I am struggling to get to know my students. I raised my voice today.  How do I relate to students whom I have barely known for four weeks? How do I keep from being my own worst enemy?  I wonder what it's like to not know how to be around a large group of kids. I   I wonder what I am missing that could help my students engage with each other in a manner other than to get attention. I wonder if I am approaching this school year correctly? Even as I write this post, I find myself wanting to reread and edit it so it says exactly what I want to to say.  But then the voice would leave my post and what would the point of a voiceless post be?
 I am trying to focus on the positive choices being made by my students but the negative choices being made are huge and are taking away from the caring, safe atmosphere I am desperately trying to create and maintain. I have been so focused on trying to get this set of data collected for such-and-such a reason and the other set of data collected for another reason, neither of which I am completely sure are truly going to inform my teaching, that I have forgotten to make sure that all my students are starting the day with full bellies, weather appropriate attire, and a hug. Then, while thinking about these basic needs, I begin to think about if I have taken on too much as a teacher leader this year. I try not to dwell on the "what ifs" but it's part of my nature.  It's how I've learned to be the teacher I am today.  I scrutinize each and every decision I make, knowing that it affects my students.
All of this scrutiny has me remembering that I need to focus on what has gone well this year.  I've fairly successful integrated more singing into my classroom, I know all my students' names (though I do get some mixed up), I have taught them how to make choices and recognize their choices have consequences.  I hope that I have made all my students feel valued because sometimes what I know should be present in my classroom isn't always at the forefront of my thoughts.
Honestly I am trying to find my niche as a leader without stumbling and falling too hard.  Do I need to step back so I can meet these basic needs of my students? Then, in trying to answer this question I rationalize that I need to challenge myself so I can keep learning. I have to model for my students that I am learning all the time. In fact, that's where my love of blogging comes from. I need to reflect on my practices so I can problem solve with myself to try and figure out the flaws that exist in my classroom.  All this is going on in my mind and it drowns out what I know to be true. The students will learn.