My last post was over a year ago but I'm feeling the need to get some of my thoughts onto paper so I can begin to sort them out. What am I supposed to do when I am feeling so overwhelmed with the basics of teaching-like establishing a routine-that the thought of trying something new or integrating technology (one of my favorite things!) is too much.
I'm lost. I am struggling to get to know my students. I raised my voice today. How do I relate to students whom I have barely known for four weeks? How do I keep from being my own worst enemy? I wonder what it's like to not know how to be around a large group of kids. I I wonder what I am missing that could help my students engage with each other in a manner other than to get attention. I wonder if I am approaching this school year correctly? Even as I write this post, I find myself wanting to reread and edit it so it says exactly what I want to to say. But then the voice would leave my post and what would the point of a voiceless post be?
I am trying to focus on the positive choices being made by my students but the negative choices being made are huge and are taking away from the caring, safe atmosphere I am desperately trying to create and maintain. I have been so focused on trying to get this set of data collected for such-and-such a reason and the other set of data collected for another reason, neither of which I am completely sure are truly going to inform my teaching, that I have forgotten to make sure that all my students are starting the day with full bellies, weather appropriate attire, and a hug. Then, while thinking about these basic needs, I begin to think about if I have taken on too much as a teacher leader this year. I try not to dwell on the "what ifs" but it's part of my nature. It's how I've learned to be the teacher I am today. I scrutinize each and every decision I make, knowing that it affects my students.
All of this scrutiny has me remembering that I need to focus on what has gone well this year. I've fairly successful integrated more singing into my classroom, I know all my students' names (though I do get some mixed up), I have taught them how to make choices and recognize their choices have consequences. I hope that I have made all my students feel valued because sometimes what I know should be present in my classroom isn't always at the forefront of my thoughts.
Honestly I am trying to find my niche as a leader without stumbling and falling too hard. Do I need to step back so I can meet these basic needs of my students? Then, in trying to answer this question I rationalize that I need to challenge myself so I can keep learning. I have to model for my students that I am learning all the time. In fact, that's where my love of blogging comes from. I need to reflect on my practices so I can problem solve with myself to try and figure out the flaws that exist in my classroom. All this is going on in my mind and it drowns out what I know to be true. The students will learn.
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