Well, I think I figured something out tonight. I don't want another fake Christmas where I am pretending to be happy to keep others believing that I am totally happy around the holidays. Quite frankly, this time of the year is the toughest, not only because I am missing those who have died before I was ready but the dark, grey days make it difficult to think about being happy and focusing on the hope that I know I can feel at times.
I did something different tonight, something I have never done before. I went to my very first longest night service and boy was that what I needed. I spent the day baking with friends and thought that I was going to be okay but as I was driving home, something happened that made me decide that I needed to go, even if I did not know how I was going to react. I was being tailgated by a person who wasn't as lucky as me to have two working head lights. They were unhappy that I had to hit my breaks to avoid hitting the person in front of me who had slowed down for the accident on the side of the road. Rather than just slow down, let the person pass, I break checked them, and then laid on my horn long and hard, I mean, I pushed the horn until it was not possible to push it any more because they cut me off prior to speeding off. I decided right then and there that I was too angry at someone else's stupidity and I needed to do something about it. So, thankfully google has voice activated searching which allowed me to search for Advent Lutheran Church to find out if they had a longest night service. Turns out, they didand despite being 20 minutes late, I was welcomed with a scarf, a pack of tissue, and a hug. It was the most raw I had allowed myself to feel in church in a long time. I t is amazing how safe a sanctuary makes you feel. I finally felt free to let my emotions out and be true to what I was feeling. Sad, grief stricken, and hopeful. No matter how horrible I feel, that hope is always there. God. He's always there. They must be the same thing. If both are always there, no matter how I feel, then it's true and what I need, even if the only thing telling me what I need is my gut feeling. I had no idea, that after sitting in church tonight, how relieved I would feel. Relief from my anguish and what I am scared of. Relief from trying to handle the burdens of life by myself. I admit that sometimes God isn't the first person I think of the let my burdens go to. It seems like I should always go to God first, because of my Christianity, but I don't. I'm a flawed human, who often tries to talk herself out of feeling a certain way just because there are feelings that one should not feel towards others, like expectation.
The feeling of disappointment after trying so hard to please an unappeasable person, wears down on me. It's often so much more work to hide the disappointment and shame that I feel after disappointing someone who makes their own choices, reacts in their own way, and chooses their words without thinking. This year is about me. Not me in a sense that I want to be the center of attention because I would much rather be the observer who continues to learn to notice what goes on around her, but the me who focuses on keeping herself healthy. I really want to break my habit of talking myself out of feeling certain ways because someone else might get offended by my feeling that way. Strangely enough, I think the person who I fret about the most is the one who probably feels the same way. It's hard to not understand why the other person doesn't react/feel the same as you. It's hard to accept that the other person can't/won't/doesn't deal with having the same feelings I wrestle with. I recently realized that I am putting too much effort into acting in way that prevents an honest reaction from another person. I am not being true to myself. In an effort to be selfless I have neglected myself and that is unhealthy.
Tonight I went to a church where I was not running around doing fifty thousand things at once nor was I the one arranging for youth to be at the right pace at the right time, connecting with parents constantly to convince them that growing up in a church is not just about fun youth stuff but rather about family in the family of the congregation. I could think about myself. It was a relief. I began to see the hope again. I feel renewed and can see more of the hope. There was a grandma in front of me, who had more worry lines on her face that she should have to bear. She held my had, while hers was shaking with age and just squeezed it as hard as she could to try and take just some of my pain away. After the service was over she bent over and reminded me that God will bless me with the strength I need to live. All I could manage to say through my tears was "and also with you." What a typical Lutheran response. After she and her husband left, another member of the church game over to sit by me, (and bring me kleenex which I desperately needed). All she did was sit and let me know she was there. What a relief, a sign of hope. Before she left, she asked me if I was going to be okay and the answer once again, is yes. I'm going to be okay. Even as I sit here, the tears are starting to come back as I remember how exposed I felt as I sat in the pew and cried while surrounded with people who could console someone despite their own grief. Maybe tonight was my crucifixion moment where I had to have the power of God put right in front of me as a reminder. IT was almost like God saying, "Hey you!!! Yeah, you!!! You can't forget about me even with all you have to give. I can help you with this!!"
Sometimes we need these God moments. I admit that "seeing" God is not my thing. IN my life, I "realize" God more often that I "see" him. For me, it's more about after the fact. Kind of like when you go into a job interview and when you walk out to your car and drive away, and THEN remember the amazing question you had to ask. That's how God works with me. Not sure why but it works and I'm content with it.
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